What if...I created the gimmick for Jillian?

On Smackdown this past Thursday, we were treated to the debut of longtime OVW developmental worker Jillian Hall's debut on WWE television. Creative, doing what they do best, got drunk together one night and decided to watch a bunch of pop-cultural favorite moving picture media for inspiration. After passing around a substance to deal with their collective glaucoma they came across Austin Powers in Goldmember...and a gimmick was born.


In typical WWE fashion, it wasn't bad enough to just steal a bad joke for a gimmick. No, they had to steal the bad joke and make it even worse! Why stop at a mole when you can make it a tumor? And why make it look the least bit realistic when you can make it an obvious Lee Press-On Face Tumor (coming soon to a store near you) when you can just have everybody on camera pretend it looks realistic?

You have to admit — that takes balls. It's a wink to the fans that says "We know you know it's not real but let's pretend anyways!" Yes, we are reminded once again that wrestling is fake! Via gimmick, no less!

Some of us wouldn't have it any other way.

So if they wanted fake and insulting to people with deformities why use the Goldmember deformity? This is the WWE! This is the company that made us love the developmentally challenged and pissed off the political pundits with their "Arab-American sacrifice" storyline. Surely they aren't afraid to go all the way are they?

Not if I was in charge they wouldn't be. See, there was a deformity in recent pop-culture that was actually funny, sickening and would still look fake if applied in real life. I am referring, of course, to the South Park Elementary school nurse who was afflicted with Conjoined Twin Myslexia. What is that you ask? Why it's when a mother has conjoined twins but one of the fetuses dies but can not be removed with the living person's body.

Dead babies? Surely WWE would never go that far...again. But they would if I was in charge! And to make it extra special? Let's give the fetus the head of everybody's favorite Baby Killer: The Snit~!



Now that, my friends, is a merchandiseable gimmick!

Jericho Not Going Anywhere

From WWE.com: With various outside sources reporting that Jericho has yet to sign a contract extension with WWE, the former undisputed champion made sure to contact WWE.com and denounce those reports.

“I signed an extension on Monday in Cleveland at Gund Arena,” Jericho said. “I’ve been working with WWE for six years and I’m not going anywhere.”

SD: Great news. Not unexpected, but it does make for a good scare every few years.

Wrestling News July 28, 2005

My apologies for the lack of updates the past few days. It was a result of some real life issues and no interesting news to report on. Anyway, onto the news.

Brock Lesnar is officially on his way back! WWE.com has learned that Brock Lesnar has met with his attorney, David Olsen, to discuss the written contract offer Lesnar received last week from World Wrestling Entertainment Inc. It is unclear when the contract will be signed. The terms were not disclosed.

SD: Finally! Here’s hoping that it everything goes smoothly.

Cruiserweights returning to WWE Numerous outlets are reporting that Brian “Spanky” Kendrik and James Gibson, aka Jamie Noble, are on their way back to the WWE. Both left the company on good terms.

SD: Great news for their fans who haven’t been able to follow their post-WWE career in Ring of Honor and other outlets.

Some notes from the latest Wrestling Observer newsletter:
- Three new writers (that know not a thing about wrestling) have been hired to the WWE creative team recently. One of them, a female brought in from the Nickelodeon channel, asked JBL recently how they made the “fake blood” continue to look like it was flowing out of his head.

- Chris Jericho is expected to be gone from the WWE within 6 weeks, with SummerSlam being his last show. Jericho has a multitude of gigs booked for his band, Fozzy, including a ten-day tour of the UK in October.

SD: I don’t know which of those two items is sadder…

ROH News & Notes:
- NOAH and World League Wrestling are bringing Kenta Kobashi to Ring Of Honor on October 1st in Manhattan and October 2nd in Philadelphia.

SD: This is worth taking time off from work to see. I implore those of you who are able to make it to these shows. You might not get the opportunity again.

- The saga of ROH World Champion CM Punk continues. It will come to an end in the Midwest. August 12th in Dayton will see the World Title on the line for the first time in a Four Way Elimination Match. The bout will put Punk vs. ROH Pure Champion Samoa Joe vs. Christopher Daniels vs. James Gibson!!! August 13th in Chicago will see longtime friends battle as CM Punk takes on Colt Cabana!!! If Punk is still World Champion on 8/13 this match will be for the World Title.

SD: This is probably the swan song of CM Punk in ROH. At the Heat tapings this past Monday he debuted with former ROH and TNA stablemate Alexis Laree as his manager. Also the Heat tapings saw the debut of Johnny Swinger and showcased the new gimmicks of Rob Conway and Rene Dupree in singles competition against Rosey and Hurricane respectively.

- Mick Foley has also signed to be at the 9/17 Long Island event.

- Jimmy Yang, formerly known as Akio in WWE, has signed on for some upcoming ROH dates in the fall and winter.

SD: And this comes as a shock to absolutely nobody. But fans of his ringwork can’t help but be selfish in wanting to see his work uncensored.

Great American Bash Results

1) Animal & Heidenreich def. MNM to capture the WWE tag team championships with the Doomsday Device. Post-match, Animal grabbed a mic, looked up and said "Hawk that match was for you."

Eddie Guererro announced that Rey's son Dominic would be at ringside.

2) Booker T def. Christian with the axe kick off the second rope.

Melina was backstage saying MNM would get the tag titles back and that fans would not see her in her bra and panties.

3) Orlando Jordan def. Chris Benoit to retain the US Championship by using an exposed turnbuckle. Benoit got a standing ovation after.

4) Undertaker def. Muhammed Hassan with a chokeslam to become #1 contender for the World Heavyweight championship. Lots of interferance from the "sympathizers" who carried Hassan to the ring. Post match UT takes out the "sympathizers" and Daivari. He removes two pieces of grating from the ramp and gives Hassan the Last Ride through it. We see Hassan lying all twisted a minute later presumeably with a broken neck or "dead".

Torrie said she's going to prove girls can kick ass. Then we see a bloody Hassan being loaded onto a stretcher.

5) Mexicools def. the bWo in a fun little match when Stevie took a springboard moonsault from Super Crazy followed by a guillotine legdrop from Psichosis.

Rey and a now blonde Dominic. Dominic is scared. Rey says he loves him and everything will be ok. Looking at Dominic I bet the secret is that Samoa Joe is his father. They look identical.

6) Rey Mysterio def. a very heelish Eddie Guererro with a crucifix pin after a cocky pin attempt by Eddie. Lots of great psychology in this match. At one point after Eddie uses Dominic to get an advantage over Rey Tazz yells out "Eddie is a freakin' asshole". Lots of heat in this one. Eddie throws a fit after the match since he lost and now the secret can't be told because of his promise. Cough.

Standard JBL promo.

7) Melina def. Torrie in a bra and panties match. then Torrie tears off Melina's pants to totally expose her bra and panties. Then Candie takes off her top and hot pants to show off hers. Which is the standard ending of these things.

SD:NOT IN THE SHOW! At the bar we saw the pay per view at we saw Eugene leaving. He talked to a couple fans and gave a non-Eugene wave to everybody. Since Raw is here (Cleveland) tonight, presumably he will be on the show. Back to the Bash, though, his timing made us realize he was smarter than the rest of us because...

8) JBL def. Batista by DQ when the ref catches Batista hitting JBL with a steel chair. Horrible match. Just horrible. Ending came when Orlando "Virgil" Jordan came to the ring after a ref bump to help out his boss JBL. Batista is fighting them off until he uses a chair on them. Post-match Batista takes them out with repeated chairshots to their prone bodies. He leaves. Sees JBL smiling in the ring. Batist returns and gives the Cabinet members a Batista bomb each. Somehow that is more brutal than the chair shots. Words cannot describe how bad this match was.

WWE Great American Bash 2005 Preview

With WWE’s Great American Bash 2005 set to begin in a few hours, I figure it’s time to throw up my predictions for the card. Like Vengeance I’m doing this at least a day late so chances are you’ll read this after the show is already over. If that’s the case, compare my predictions with the results and we’ll see how well it fared. And away we go!

Batista(c) vs. JBL – World Heavyweight Championship
I’ll be honest and admit I can’t get too worked up about this one. The feud hasn’t done much for me and it completely ignored their history from the Royal Rumble until WrestleMania. JBL is doing the Mr. McMahon “Guarantee” angle but it already flopped against John Cena at WrestleMania so it doesn’t have the same oomph behind it that the writers want. So we’re stuck with: JBL wants to be champ & Batista toys with him. Prediction: Batista goes over. If anything happens beyond that I’ll be shocked.

Orlando Jordan(c) vs. Chris Benoit - U.S. Championship
There isn’t much to this one either. Orlando has held the title for a while an his run has been as impressive as Shelton Benjamin’s IC reign was. In other words, booked poorly and nobody cares. Benoit is seen as being above a second tier belt so what does it really do for him to hold the title unless it’s to put somebody over later on? The match is only here to give both wrestlers something for the show and to maybe get Orlando over more. Prediction: Don’t be surprised if this opens the show. Orlando wins by cheating or screwjob.

Booker T vs. Christian
Remember when I said last month that Christian would be the new RVD of Smackdown? Depending on how this match is followed up I could be proven right. Booker is on a rebound due to his popularity returning now that he has his wife Sharmell with him. Booker does best when he has a second. More focused, more energy, more crowd popping. Now that Christian is without a second he’s character is getting a bit nastier and more serious. He’s potentially being groomed to be a main event heel but it could also only serve to make him more boring. Prediction: Very interesting match here. We know they can have a good, solid traditional style match. But the booking after the match is what is important. Christian needs the win more. He should get it.

MNM(c) vs. Heidenreich & Animal – WWE Tag Team Championship
This is a potential disaster on paper but could be very, very good for the company. Here you have three rising superstars in Nitro, Mercury and Heidenreich and a veteran in Animal. So do you push the more traditional tag team in MNM or do you go with the odd pairing of a rookie hoss and a veteran? Prediction: MNM shouldn’t lose the titles yet. But a loss to Heidenreich and Animal would set them up as chasers for the title which could be a lot of fun. I’d give it to the new LOD.

Torrie Wilson vs. Melina - bra and panties match; special guest referee Candice Michelle
What purpose does this serve? We see them parade in what might as well be bra and panties all the time. Melina is getting pushed as the wannabe alpha-female. Torrie has been pushed as that since she got on the show. Candice is new to the brand and got attacked by Melina, saved by Torrie. Do we get the swerve with Candice helping Melina? Prediction: Lots of happy 14 year old boys and the grown men who never grew up. If I had to choose I’d say Torrie wins but gets humiliated somehow.

Undertaker vs. Muhammad Hassan - #1 contenders match
A book can be written about this one. WWE writers fucked up. They absolutely did. UPN is fucking up the WWE even more by saying they don’t want the Muhammed Hassan character on tv anymore. Meltzer had detailed plans on his site as to what the company wanted to do. It’s fairly obvious and unimaginative. So obvious and unimaginative that I can’t imagine those were the plans from a creative company. Prediction: If the WWE doesn’t do what I have suggested
http://pillartopost.blogspot.com/2005/07/wrestling-news-july-21-2005.html
then they are missing a golden opportunity and are doing a great disservice to Mark Copani (Hassan). So look for him to return to OVW as reported elsewhere for only doing what he was told. Undertaker wins but shouldn’t.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio
This feud is flawed. What is “the secret”? Whatever it is it most likely won’t be a good fit for a wrestling program. And if it does fit in within the boundaries of a wrestling program then it will be a disappointment. It’s a no-win situation. The story revolves around Eddie’s losing streak against Rey. It should probably have never been about anything else. Obsession makes for a better villain in stories than threatening to expose a secret. There are exceptions of course but this isn’t one of them. A secret in a story needs to be something that the audience is privy to otherwise the result will be disappointment because nothing can match the imagination in any individual in the audience. Still, this should be a good match and another potential show stealer from them. Prediction: Rey wins again. The secret gets told.

Mexicools vs. BWO
This should bea fun one. I am enjoying the hell out of both stables. They all have roles to play and can all get the crowd into their matches in their own ways. I do find it odd that the WWE is pushing Nova/Simon Dean as two characters on the same show. Frankly, I find Hollywood Nova to be a horrible gimmick and far too dumb to get over on a national level. Meanie still isn’t under contract either. If this match doesn’t get the crowd behind the bWo this might be the last we see of the Meanie and the Hollywood Nova character on tv. Prediction: Mexicools win.

This show has definite sleeper potential. If it’s over-written then I expect it to flop. If they allow in-ring action with a few storyline twists to dictate the show then it can possibly be on par with Vengeance. GAB leads directly into SummerSlam so I wouldn’t expect all of the feuds to end tonight. Eddie and Rey will no doubt be continuing for one. And with the Hassan situation we very well could end up with a twist in the storyline that leads to a Batista/JBL rematch. We’ll see. One thing is for certain: don’t expect this year’s Bash to be anywhere near as bad as last year’s.